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[25 Aug 2009|01:01am]
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Hello, LJ. It's good to be back.

Lots of things have changed since we last met.

I am tapering down the dosage of my Xanax XR, in the hopes of being completely anxiolytic-free by the winter. Or maybe even mid-fall. I am currently smoking like...well, not so much like a chimney, but like...a very small chimney. I usually smoke three fags a day when I smoke, tops. I am up to maybe five or so. It's only temporary, though. Until the Xanax and I have gone our separate ways. And I'm good at quitting cigarettes. I've done it a thousand times. :^)

I am also now in a healthy, monogamous relationship. The relationship is still in its infancy. We've only been dating for about a week, and both of us are going into it knowing that it won't be forever. But it's doing wonders for my self esteem. He is 9 years my senior, but we like each other. He doesn't emotionally coddle me the way silly boys do. He recognizes that my insecurities are best left ignored. Negative punishment. But he doesn't cruelly allow my anxieties to fester. I don't get "see you around"s, I get "later this week"s. He says I'm beautiful, and I'm starting to believe him. He holds my hand for hours at a time. It's all very good and nice.

In that same vein, I've started myself on a workout regimen. It's because I want to feel good about myself. I want to be able to get naked and stay naked with my..."gentleman caller". Every other day, I'm walking my dog, doing about 200 jumping jacks and 50 crunches, and if I've got the energy, going out for a nighttime jog. I'm also eating more. I'm trying to stop counting calories, but rather eat when I'm hungry until I am full, then pacing around a bit to facilitate quicker digestion in order to prevent restricting as well as binging/purging. I still can't bring myself to eat fast food (except Subway), and avoid extra fats of all sorts (salad dressing, mayonnaise, fried foods), but that's not my main concern right now. Plus, that isn't really even much of a problem. I've also been allowing myself a small bit of ice cream or cake on occasion. (Mostly) Everything in moderation.

I'm really excited about school. I'm taking choir, drawing I, English 102, fiction writing, biology 101, and yoga. It's only 15 credits, so I feel a little bit...disappointed in myself. But I know that it's irrational to beat myself up over it. I'm still recovering. I need a lot of self-care. I may end up taking 16 or 17, depending on whether or not I join the vocal ensemble (now called Spectra, for some stupid reason...all it makes me think of is Ghostbusters) and/or level 198 private voice. I might, just because singing makes me feel good. But I think I should limit myself to one or the other.

Things are going well. I am trying to cleanse myself of the hellish few months I suffered through. The memories linger, which is why I write. I do not have faith that everything will go swimmingly; as I may have stated here before, my higher power is the unavoidable randomness of the Universe. But along with the chaos and randomness come the vastly infinite possibilities of what could happen - hope. I'm falling back in love with the world, and this time, with me in it.

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[01 Jul 2009|04:39pm]
I'm going to disappear for a while. I've been contemplating it for nearly two weeks. I'll still meet people every so often, but I desperately need to be alone a while. Thinking gets to difficult around people.

I just wish people could understand this. I've been this way for years. Sometimes, I just need to recede away from the people in my life, at least slightly, to feel whole again. I may be a social creature, but being around people...even talking to them too often and for too long, especially when I'm in a state such as this, makes me feel like I am breaking apart. I hardly know who I am or who I...should be. Everything I see and hear is tainted by the expectations of others, be they real or simply perceived. Matt understood. But he was also what a lot of people call a "shitty friend". It was different with him, because he was unrelenting in his silence and unapologetic upon reemergence. Maybe I'm making excuses for myself. I don't know. I'm tired. Too tired. I'm tired of people trying to be understanding and helpful, but utterly forgetting that I am simply not like them. In too many ways. I need to go away to fall back in love with myself.
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From The Beige Page---latest post [12 Jun 2009|12:48am]
Molecules melting,
melding and welding in heat.
I wish we were, too.
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[07 Jun 2009|04:28pm]
 I wish I was a boy.
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[04 Jun 2009|10:39pm]
 Today's been a good day, overall.

I'm too tired to write more, but I wanted to post to make sure I could look back and remember, "June 4th was a good day," when I got sad again.

The world is quite a nice place.
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[25 Apr 2007|01:25am]
lord, grant me the courage to end my life
i pray to a nonexistent god
i couldn't end my life
i couldn't end my life
i fear the end
so i pray to a god
lord, elevate me
to empyrean, eternal
i fear what the end could be
lord, leave me love
lord, leave me luck
grant me the serenity to not give a fuck
my body defeats me
my mind betrays me
my reality has become
but corners
the purpose of a finger
the purpose-driven life
lord, figment of my half-hearted hope
grant me the will
to stop
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[04 Apr 2007|05:42pm]
primordial ooze
making love
love live life lint like the lovely living life of a little piece of lint
happiness is relative
relatives are relative
an egg is an egg is an egg
it cracks but i can only see eraser shavings
did you shave your
mother is standing outside the window
i have a pipe
pike pike pike
pike pike pick
picking picking pockets pocket picking pickpocket
murder muddle mudflap
john quincy adams
lincoln logs cabin in the wilderness
ill in oyster
old record player
philemon is a biblical monster
a chimera
the chimera
an abundance
cornucopia is a word for conular objects in the space time continuum
dogs bark tree leaf starting to disintegrate
integration segregation palpitations
arousal of some beast that sleeps
cereal is eaten with a spoon
forks pick up food and divide up roads
robert frost can eat his own buttocks
buttocks but to cks cks cks cks cks cks cks sick sick sick sixty sixty six cents
animal is an animal is an animal is an imal is an an imal is an enimal is an enigma
science proves
science proves
science proven to abstain
abstain abs stains stains stan stan stain
jesus used to talk to me
in the kitchen in the chicken coop
i was standing with a hen because
feet are smaller than heads unless you are a pinhead pinhead pinhead
pinwheel pinwheel
pin-up model
female female male female
sexual orientation
gender relations
fucking fucking fuck fuck fucking fucking fuck is a word for
intercourse leniency stranger danger deranged
sexism cubism modernism
modernist art modernist art
fucking fuck fuck fuckin
word frame word frame
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[03 Apr 2007|12:52am]
dogs are not people
dogs are not people
the paper dolls are naked
because the whore ran out of room
before god took everything

i was talking to
the other day
we spoke to each other
over tea
the night was gleaming with
energy in my stomach
digesting the food we ate
i hate your money
it eats our
souls are for love
i live for
everything is paranoia
i spoke to her
last tuesday my dog
she got a haircut a week from now
a week from now
i ate a mango
it was orange and full of beta carotene
my eyes are made of gelatin
i have a rubik's cube in my hand
is a dynamite
i look in the mirror
is broken broken
record players screaming
tape is screeching like some owl in the night
reflective cones
beta carotene
i miss childhood
i hate childhood
i kissed the ground once
it was full of holes
like this story
like my story
i eat dirt
it is second nature
first nature is breathing
first nature takes course
exterminate the insects
coursing through
rivers and boats
swans are like birds but
i eat
words for a living
write children's articles
media attention
on the television there are noises
people talk about meaningless
social responsibility
rape is a word
cotton is a word
cottonrape is not a word
these are words
blathermouth might be a word, i am not sure
of the concequences i am writing
i am writing
there's a raven in the writing desk
i stuffed it
taxidermy and norman bates
paper dolls naked in their underwear
pedophiles fucking children
pentagrams for the pagans
i eat baby bananas
they are green and yellow mostly green around the edges are some hedges i took a knife and cut some wedges out of wood is cleaned by a product called pledge this is all a lie because art is not a concept it is not borne of suffering
there is no such thing as crazy because i rant about crayons made of paraffin wax and nylon gloves
clothing is a funny concept
shame is a funny concept
i eat shame
i shit guilt
guilt is a funny concept
responsible for rape
rape for responsibility
rape your responsibilities
no such thing
no, such things are possible
is the world ends
i liked candy
i like candy
jesus and i
we would probably eat candy
because that is heaven
i hate playgrounds
i love parks
i hate parks
i love mountains but hate hills
dogs have whiskers just like cats
who purr into a cup full
of water from the rain
i collect urine for a living
it is quite
rancid moldy cheese in the freezer
i saw veal
veal is a baby cow
a baby cow is veal
"meat is murder" is an arguable concept
but murder can always become meat
i like to eat speakerphones in the breakroom at night when no one looks at me
there is a monster living in her ears we know about lint in her eye but she thinks it's made of candy because candy is her favorite word sugar and agave nectar this is randomly seventy two virgins in a bedroom full of rapists are people whose penises are friends i love to think about turtles is that rock made of shellfish i like to pet the wooden table because grains get stuck in your teeth i think viruses are vegan in a way that no one will understand
paper dolls are naked
they are in your underwear
the paper doll is in your underwear
they are naked
the canary keeps dying
poison gas is made of
hate is not a concept
hate is not a concept
you are not a concept
this is not an art project
i am not an art project
god is your only friend
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[18 Mar 2007|06:06am]
i read a fuckin silly review of the newest arcade fire album, Neon Bible, at rolling stone's website. it was such a stupid review i actually considered joining their website just to yell at them.

Rolling Stone is the Guitar Center of magazines.
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[31 Jan 2007|01:58pm]
i lost hope in the human race today.

because i saw the trailer for a movie

called the Astronaut Farmer.
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[08 Jan 2007|08:56pm]
i'm bad at writing songs.
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[18 Dec 2006|10:47pm]
my first day back in chicago?


the flight back went like this:

"good morning, passengers. the local temperature in honolulu is currently...seventy four degrees. mahalo."

"welcome to L.A., the local time is eleven o' clock PM. the weather is partly cloudy, with a slight breeze. fifty-three degrees."

"good morning, passengers. it is currently 7:30 AM, with clear skies. THIRTY-TWO DEGREES"

and the SCREAMING BABY and the MORBIDLY OBESE woman. i have a headache. blech.
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[08 Dec 2006|01:24am]
so lately i've been noticing that i'm a pretentious asshole, and i'm trying to fix that.

the end.


i've lost three more pounds and i'm starting to wonder if i've got a flesh eating virus.
the funny part is, i'm starting to think it's because i sleep too late to wake up in time for breakfast. and sometimes lunch. this reminds me of the Valley of the Dolls.
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[04 Dec 2006|02:43am]
whoohoo, i finished a short story.

after trying to tackle the nanowrimo thing, i decided i had started to late and it was time to realize my limits. so i decided i'd pick apart the general idea for the novel and turn it into a series of short stories. maybe i'll find a way to connect them, maybe i won't, maybe i'll just put them together and call it a novel. who cares.

i'm actually proud of my story. i think it's cute.
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[02 Dec 2006|02:50am]
once upon a time i stepped on the scale and lost six pounds.
the end hooray
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[29 Nov 2006|03:23am]

With the passion and faith
of a suicide bomber,
I will eliminate you before myself.
You, backwash of our society's quota;
picking up the best leftovers
before I can get to them.

Fucking failure-
Bastard shipwreck of the traffic lanes,
singing your siren's song.
Radiating emaciation,
embracing the least deserving.
Wiping my spit from your brow.

I jump off the tallest building
of the windiest city
in the largest province of the richest country
everyday just to spite myself.
And you, and you, and you, and all of you.

You are still just an abortion
expelled from the uterus
of one nation, under god.
A story without a name,
a statistic without a story,
created only to masturbate my ego.

another poem

I'm pregnant with my shit-eating grin,
carrying every putrid thought
that ever grazed the filthy gutters.
Gutters overstepped by every media darling
and fictional character.

Beloved people without character.
Who love holidays, kiss babies, hold hands.

They make love,
wearing a shit-eating grin
as a prophylactic-
Though they know that love
is just a defense mechanism,
mechanizing armies against
so-called unhappiness.
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[12 Nov 2006|12:24am]
dear devin,
tomorrow you will eat my brownies.
or it means that we are THROUGH.
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[03 Nov 2006|11:26am]
yay for angry, yellow snot.
2 comments|post comment

[11 Oct 2006|08:46am]

this totally made me remember why i read webcomics.
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[01 Oct 2006|12:37am]
i wrote a short story about some guy that wakes up as a mallard duck. but it's stupid. and it isn't good enough for me to show people. maybe one day i'll extend it into something else.

i've never been good with camp writing.
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