Hello, LJ. It's good to be back.
Lots of things have changed since we last met.
I am tapering down the dosage of my Xanax XR, in the hopes of being completely anxiolytic-free by the winter. Or maybe even mid-fall. I am currently smoking like...well, not so much like a chimney, but like...a very small chimney. I usually smoke three fags a day when I smoke, tops. I am up to maybe five or so. It's only temporary, though. Until the Xanax and I have gone our separate ways. And I'm good at quitting cigarettes. I've done it a thousand times. :^)
I am also now in a healthy, monogamous relationship. The relationship is still in its infancy. We've only been dating for about a week, and both of us are going into it knowing that it won't be forever. But it's doing wonders for my self esteem. He is 9 years my senior, but we like each other. He doesn't emotionally coddle me the way silly boys do. He recognizes that my insecurities are best left ignored. Negative punishment. But he doesn't cruelly allow my anxieties to fester. I don't get "see you around"s, I get "later this week"s. He says I'm beautiful, and I'm starting to believe him. He holds my hand for hours at a time. It's all very good and nice.
In that same vein, I've started myself on a workout regimen. It's because I want to feel good about myself. I want to be able to get naked and stay naked with my..."gentleman caller". Every other day, I'm walking my dog, doing about 200 jumping jacks and 50 crunches, and if I've got the energy, going out for a nighttime jog. I'm also eating more. I'm trying to stop counting calories, but rather eat when I'm hungry until I am full, then pacing around a bit to facilitate quicker digestion in order to prevent restricting as well as binging/purging. I still can't bring myself to eat fast food (except Subway), and avoid extra fats of all sorts (salad dressing, mayonnaise, fried foods), but that's not my main concern right now. Plus, that isn't really even much of a problem. I've also been allowing myself a small bit of ice cream or cake on occasion. (Mostly) Everything in moderation.
I'm really excited about school. I'm taking choir, drawing I, English 102, fiction writing, biology 101, and yoga. It's only 15 credits, so I feel a little bit...disappointed in myself. But I know that it's irrational to beat myself up over it. I'm still recovering. I need a lot of self-care. I may end up taking 16 or 17, depending on whether or not I join the vocal ensemble (now called Spectra, for some stupid reason...all it makes me think of is Ghostbusters) and/or level 198 private voice. I might, just because singing makes me feel good. But I think I should limit myself to one or the other.
Things are going well. I am trying to cleanse myself of the hellish few months I suffered through. The memories linger, which is why I write. I do not have faith that everything will go swimmingly; as I may have stated here before, my higher power is the unavoidable randomness of the Universe. But along with the chaos and randomness come the vastly infinite possibilities of what could happen - hope. I'm falling back in love with the world, and this time, with me in it.